5/16/2013

I realized recently that I'd forgotten to mention on this blog that we made a rather large purchase about 6-8 weeks ago. We had saved up a good sum in our "savings / emergency fund" knowing that as some point we would need another or different vehicle. We'd lived with just one vehicle for over a year. And that one vehicle is 17 years old and quickly approaching 200,000 miles. My husband, however, is a self-taught master mechanic on that vehicle and takes wonderful care of it. 

For a few months, he'd been looking for a good deal on a second vehicle. He found this 2005 Kia Sedona mini-van at a great price so we bought it. 

It was just a few days later that we found out we were expecting, which added numerous doctor's appointments to our schedule. I think it was perfect timing that we had this second vehicle by that time. It makes my life less stressful, which exactly "what the doctors order" with a high-risk pregnancy. 

I'm thankful for working vehicles, for God's timing, for the wisdom of setting aside money for savings so that making a purchase like this doesn't have to be stressful or incur debt. 

5/6/2013

I've lost 3 babies to miscarriage in the last 22 months. Now I'm pregnant again. People are asking what is different this time? Will the doctors do anything different?

(Writing this feels so familiar, as I wrote something very similar back in September. You can read that blog post here)

I should preface this with the fact that I did have a battery of tests run in January - after loss #3, while not pregnant. Specialists tested for clotting abnormalities as well as dozens of other disorders that I could've developed since my last full-term pregnancy 5 years ago. All the tests came back normal. That is, medically they cannot explain why I've miscarried 3 babies after 2 successful pregnancies.

So what is different this time around? The easy answer is not much. I'm taking the usual prenatal vitamin. I'm taking a few extra doses of folic acid daily. 

I've received early medical care with this pregnancy. I was able to see my regular doctor for pregnancy confirmation the very next day after my home pregnancy test was positive. Within the next 7 days, I was in to see specialists that deal with high-risk pregnancies. Within 2 more weeks, I had had 2 ultrasounds that confirmed that everything looked good. Bloodwork was done to check hormone levels. From a medical perspective, everything looks good with this pregnancy. (But everything looked good last time around too... but we still miscarried)

As with our last pregnancy, we decided to tell the world that we are pregnant shortly after we found out the news ourselves. Therefore, we know that there are hundreds of people praying for us and a few good friends fasting as well. It's easier to tell the news, to feel the support, even when the ultimate outcome is unknown. 

I am feeling a lot of morning sickness, which makes me hopeful that my body is producing an adequate amount of pregnancy hormone (progesterone) to maintain this pregnancy. I was not this sick with the last pregnancies, which resulted in miscarriages. 

So these are the critical days. I am about 9 weeks along currently. We lost our other babies between 7 and 12 weeks, so we're right into the critical period. I am more aware than ever that any day, even today, could be the day that we lose this baby too.

Do you wanna know what it feels like? It feels like holding your breath, for a very long time. It's the inhale that you take when something scary hits you and the holding of your breath until the fear passes. Usually that takes a second or two. In the case of miscarriages, it takes a matter of weeks or months. It feels like I'm holding my breath, hoping the danger passes and I can breathe again. Holding my breath until my baby is born.

Personally, I feel more hopeful this time. I do have faith and hope that things could turn out differently this time around. But I have no guarantees... and I'm ok with that. I'm taking each day at a time. I'm not planning ahead to maternity clothes, crib sheets and due dates. I'm focusing on keeping my lunch down today :-) and being thankful for the fact that I am pregnant.

  

4/24/2013


Today marks the end of an era in our schooling. Not our homeschooling, but in my husband's education. Today he turns in his very last assignment for his very last class.

Since the summer of 2008, he has been working to obtain his Master's Degree in Library Science. It's been a long trek, generally involving just one class per semester. That is the load he could handle while working full-time and managing the rest of life (home ownership, family, etc). 

All but two of his classes were web-based, enabling him to participate from the internet at work or home. One class met for 5 consecutive Saturdays in Indianapolis. He tackled that one summer. Another met at a nearby college one night a week. All others were done online.

He is now on the other side of classes like Library Systems, Scholarly Communications, Grant Writing, Intellectual Freedom, Information Architecture for the Web, Cataloging, Collection Development, and Library Management. 

Now we just wait for his diploma to arrive! Well, that and figure out where we will vacation in September when we plan to take a "real" vacation for the first time, spending at least a week traveling and adventuring to new and far off places.

Congratulations, my dear! You've persevered and now are at the end of the journey. Well done!

I mentioned in this blog post last fall that we set a realistic, but stretching financial goal for paying off a large chunk of school debt. 

Our goal: an extra $5,000 in 10 months put towards debt principle. 

I am overjoyed to report that the 10 months is over and we've surpassed our goal! Slow and steady, we were able to put any extra money we could find towards our goal - Christmas cash and work bonuses included. The bulk of it was the money I earn from our church as the part-time secretary. 

We made our goal even before received our tax refund and were able to put another $1,700 towards paying down debt. 

AND all of that is on top of the "minimum monthly payments" that we kept making but did not count towards this goal. 

It is empowering! It is a great feeling to know that we can do this. 

Our long term goal remains to have our student loan debt paid off by the time my husband turns 40 in 2015. That's 2 years to work our plan and make it happen. The last 10 months have inspired us to sacrifice, to work like crazy and get rid of this once and for all!

Here's what motivates us towards that end! Oh, what a happy day that will be!

4/15/2013

I'm the type of person who stays on top of everything. 

Something misplaced at home. Ask me, I know where it is.

Husband needs to remember when some important meeting is. Ask me, it's on the calendar. 

Birthdays. Anniversaries. Special events. All are on the calendar, with reminders posted a few days in advance when necessary. 

Keeping track of everything is important to me. It makes me feel in control. It gives me the illusion that I can't be caught off guard, that I'm as prepared as possible for what might come. 

And keeping track of significant days helps me remember. 

I love my daughter. I wouldn't forget her birthday, because I love her and want to celebrate her life. 

I love my son. I wouldn't forget his birthday, because I love him and want to celebrate his life. 

Keeping track of it all for my earthly children is do-able.  It would be impossible for me to forget a name or birthday.

Keeping track of it all for my heavenly children is harder. Their names don't get mentioned often, though they go through my head regularly. Grant. Hope. Isaac.

Even their "birthdays" aren't days to celebrate and aren't remembered by many. "Birthday" was the day they went to heaven as a tiny baby. Due date was the birthday that wasn't meant to be. 

Forgetting a child's birthday would be like indicating to that child that they aren't loved or aren't special. 

I put tremendous pressure on myself to remember, to keep track of my heavenly babies. I don't want them to feel unloved. And so dates swarm in my mind, flooding me with emotions of grief and mourning and longing for what is not. 



I don't want to forget. Yet I feel like I'm sinking in trying to keep track. 

A peek into the mind of this grieving mama.